Dreams

I can remember the first dream job that I had. I was five years old and wanted to be a doctor.
A year later I wanted to be a teacher, then a vet and….ect…ect

At thirteen I decided that no matter what I did at some point in my life I wanted to own a bookstore with a small cafe adjoining.
Red wood counters, soft lighting, red brick walls, big comfy chairs for patrons to come in and enjoy themselves, drink coffee, read and just relax…A place where people could come to and forget their troubles for just a moment…

I’m 22 now and that still remains my dream. I’m broke right now and have no fund to follow that dream since I am also just searching for a job. But I know that sometime in the future I will make it.

No matter what happens, where I end up, that dream of mine will come true.

Thinking about this has made me wonder, what are your dreams? What do you want to get out of your life?

Ghost

I heard this song and straight away was reminded of High school. I always felt alone there even when surrounded by a sea of people, the only two friends I trusted both attended a different school to me.
I was scared of making new friends, because the moment I had started that high school I became a target for some mean girls.
The reason being? I always got on better with boys, I liked hanging out with them and that made the girls jealous, so, they picked on me.

I got into fights constantly.
I was once cornered in the changing rooms just after P.E class by a girl so much bigger than me.
I never backed down.
But there was no one I could lean on for support, no one I could talk to. I felt like Ghost in a sea of people.

I am glad High school is over for me. Even though the outside world is just as tough, I have learned how to protect myself, I have learned how to be strong and not to allow anyone’s judgment to darken my vision.

There is a life after High school and most bullied teens can’t see past their day to day lives, but, trust me it gets better.

Writing

I have always wanted to be a writer, write a book or a series. Sadly I’m one of those people who tend to criticize themselves too much.
I write and re-write and then follow that cycle over again and then to push the pin in further I don’t show my work to other people.

I don’t understand why that is, but here are some options;

Fear of Failure? –  I doubt that since I failed quite a few times in my life and I’m still here.
Fear of Success? – Does that means people will be expecting more from me? shudders.
Fear of Commitment – Committing myself to such a task…Sounds hard but not impossible.
Fear of expectations – Well I think anyone can buckle under pressure..But..Am I?

Either way, these are all excuses that I am tired of making. I want to be a writer, be it write books, reviews, blogs or articles I want to do it.

I want to commit myself to writing.
I want to Succeed.
I want to exceed peoples expectations.

…But most of all…I want to stop procrastinating.

I might not be the greatest when it comes to grammar, but that’s alright after all English is my third language.

I might not be the best when it comes to endings, but I can work on that.

What I am good at is coming up stories, creating characters and falling in love with the different worlds in my mind…

Religion & Misconceptions

Scary topic isn’t it? I was talking to some friends recently, and decided to post my views on here. I am not at any point saying that my views are right and others are wrong, simply stating what I believe.

From a young age we are taught that there are many religions in the world and that there is only “one” that  leads down the right path. We are taught to look upon the people who believe in things differently than us as wrong.

People who don’t know about Christianity mix it up with Catholicism and the Jehovah’s witnesses, and in the end with all their views it gives the simple, good Christians a bad name. People start looking at them as if all they do is, try to force their views down other people’s throats when that is not true.

Same goes for Muslims. You say something like;

I have Muslim friends.

And, straight away someone pipes up;

why are you friends with terrorists and suicide bombers.

There is a branch of a religion, known as extremists who give the others a bad name, and that is a horrible cross to bare for the rest.

We aren’t all that different, we have our own beliefs. The way I see it;

There is only “one” God in the Universe and each religion belongs to him, be he called Buddha, Allah, Jehovah, or Jesus.

I think that there is an infinite space in the universe for every heaven and hell, and each person who follows a specific religion will go to theirs.

And I think that as long as a person is Kind, Honest, loving, and tries to help people who are worse of than him, is a good person with a beautiful soul and should be respected no matter where they come from and what they believe in…

This has weighed down in my chest for a long time.
The world these days is becoming a war zone between religions.
No one trust anyone, and we are now living in fear of extremists…

I pray that one day soon we will find peace in the Equality & Diversity of this world and that we learn to accept each other.

Family

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Lilo & Stitch has been my favorite Disney movie ever since I watched it back in 2002.
This movie has thought me a lot, and by that I mean ‘family values’

Stitch was created for only one reason, and that is to destroy, his purpose was chaos, and honestly that’s what babies are like in my eyes, they don’t know any better, everything they touch, they break, spill and trample over.

He is sentenced to imprisonment, but manages to escape and lands himself on earth.
He is then adopted as a dog by Nani & Lilo, two sisters who don’t yet know how to get along with their parents out of the picture, I mean Nani the eldest has just suddenly been placed in the role of ‘adult’ ‘mother’ ‘carer’ to her younger sister who is such a free spirit.
Nani doesn’t know how to deal with her responsibilities but she is trying to hard for her sister, she loves her more than anything, and sure the two fight, and have different opinions, but, so do all sisters.

Lilo, all she wants is someone to love her like her parents did, a friend who wouldn’t leave her, she wants to be herself and she doesn’t want things to change in her life, so when she adopts stitch she finds that friend.

Through out the movie, we watch the struggle stitch faces to be better, he watches the relationship between Lilo & her sister and can’t help but wish for someone like that.

When he fails, and the sisters lose hope in him, he tries his best because he has fallen so deeply in love with this family that it makes all that chaos within him seem like nothing, he wants to save his best friend and does so.

He then willingly gives himself up so that his ‘family’ can be safe and together, he loves them and honestly, this makes me realized something.

No Family in this world is perfect, we fight, and hurt each others feelings even when we don’t mean to. We disappoint the ones we love the most and then, we try to atone for what we have done. Family has to love you for who you are, with your flaws and past.

The people who don’t accept you, even if they are blood related shouldn’t be considered your ‘true family’  because you don’t have to be ‘blood related’ to someone to love them unconditionally.

fdfI’m Selfish, sometimes cruel. I don’t do what I’m told, I’ve got a loud spirit and I want my voice to be heard, and that makes it really hard for me to communicate with most family members, they don’t understand me, want to change me, and most of all they make me sad, but I do love them, they will always have a piece of my heart, but they will not be considered my ‘true family’ because that spot in my heart is reserved for someone else.

 

Winter

met you once again in Winter,
But, the warmth you showed,
Reminded me of Summer.

My heart had frozen over, oh, so long ago,
I was happy to forget,
What love had meant to me,
What you had meant to me.

So why did you come back?
and once again allowed my wounds to open?

Did you remember, the first time we saw each other?
You had smiled oh, so, brightly.
Did you remember, those first words,
That made, my heart so tender?
Did you remember, how you broke me,
How Winter settled in my soul?

No, all you did remember,
Was how much you needed warmth,
How much you needed love,
How much you needed me.

When you came back,
I had already forgotten.
I had already let go of those blue eyes.
I had already given up the wait.
I wasn’t lonely.
Unlike You.

I wish You had taken my answer.
No.
I wish you had left again.
Before, I had fallen back in Love with you.
Before, I allowed the ice to melt.

…And Spring had brought us pain again,
Again, I lost you…

I will never forget the warmth,
You had brought back to me,
I will never forget that smile that was meant for my eyes only.

You had changed,
Evolved, but still,
The pain was visible in those  blue hues,
I loved you even more this time.
Even when I refused to show it.

You had hurt me once,
You had hurt me twice,But in your words so delicate, I knew
I had hurt you too.

Now you are gone,
And it’s too late for us.

But now I have to let you go,
Life still goes on for me.

Mistakes

I’m going to say it….
We all know that humans make ‘bad’ decisions.
There is no one alive who hasn’t done it.
So, why do you judge people so harshly?
Especially when they are your friends and family.
You’ve done something yourself.

But then again;
It’s so much easier to see another persons faults.

I loathe people who look at a someone, not knowing anything about them, their lives, situations, mental state and just open their mouths because they want to make themselves feel better…

Why are there human beings who thrive when others are miserable because of them?
One could argue that it is due to their own complexes, their flaws. They are miserable and so they want others to feel the same.

But again…I have to ask why?

The way I judge and see people who have made bad decisions:

You have made a mistake, as your friend and fellow human being I will tell you so. Then, I will sit and listen while you cry and moan about it. Why? Because I am your friend and I care. No matter how bad your mistake is I am not going to leave…I will always forgive you.

Even after saying this, it does not mean I will let someone walk all over me, oh no if someone tries to wipe their feet as if I’m a doormat I will turn around and without a second of a doubt walk away.

There is a big difference between someone who is using you and someone who has made a mistake and is sorry.

I have made plenty of mistakes, and I’ve been judged by so many people, who for a long period had me under their control. I didn’t know how to cope. I was sorry, in pain and ashamed of my own flaws.

Then, I realized.

They have NO right to judge me, and I shouldn’t feel bad because of them.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

You know what? she was right.
I have learned to love myself and no one can hurt me. Not even the people who want to the most.

I would also like you all to just remember.

Don’t judge. Be there for the people around you, even if you don’t know it,  you could be, that one link in their chain, that doesn’t break and keeps them from falling apart, and making that final mistake.

Embrace

I wrote this a while ago, this was my second attempt at poetry, I don’t think it worked out as I had planned but, oh well I have decided to be confident and share. I will post my third attempt tomorrow.

..And as I sat there on my bed,
Thinking ’bout the things they said.
My smile soft, yet pained within.

I only wish that one day soon,
They know their lies that hurt me deep,
Won’t make me lose a nights of sleep.

I will triumph over all,
The sorrow,
Pain,
And lies that follow.

I’m not alone ’cause I’ve got faith,
That God is with me through the pain.
I feel his love,
And none can take,
That loving embrace away from me.

Life Lessons…?

Friendships are hard. (At least for me they are.)
I have never been the person who was able to trust easily and so, when I find people who I trust I consider them friends, they are few and far in between and when time comes it is extremely hard for me to let go.

I am at this point in my life where things have been spiraling out of control for a long time and I have felt the pressure.

Four years ago I moved from the City that I had gone to school and college into a town where some of my family lives because of my moms health problems.

I left my best friends, who I trusted more than anything, they were only two people but I loved and still do love them very much. The girls were both there for me when I needed it and I was there for them. We would talk, and if that didn’t help we would have sleepovers and just in general never allowed ourselves to feel alone.

They helped me through depression, they helped me through my awkward phase (although I don’t think I grew out of it just yet) and when my mother was so extremely ill that she couldn’t get out of bed

I miss them greatly.

Having moved into the small town my life changed drastically. I had/have no friends that I actually ‘trust’ here.  It’s not because I haven’t tried to find any, no it is because the ‘friends’ I have here all want me to support them and their issues but they never help me.

In the last four years I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have lost a boyfriend to lung cancer, I have suffered through a traumatizing event. I didn’t want to talk to them about all of this, but, does that mean that a real friend can just say ‘I’ll be here if you need to talk’ and then walk away, leaving you alone in that darkness. I don’t expect a lot from people but I have learned that the only thing I can depend on is God.

I am lucky for my life is starting to slowly change for the better. even though I don’t yet have people to depend on, I do have myself and faith that soon, I will be happy.

Generation of Books

I have had a few people, asking me why I spend my time reading books. As they said to me, and I shall paraphrase this:

‘they give you nothing, are boring and just a whole lot of a wasted time’ …at that point I had to turn away and calmly walk away from the person, why? well that is really simple, you can’t discuss or argue with someone who is illiterate. They simply won’t understand what you are trying to say and will irritate you with, their non-exsistant ‘Logic.’ I bring this topic up because it is close to my heart. Today I was reading an article on ‘modern young adults’  and I remembered a quote by ‘Abbas El Akkad’ who, was an Egyptian writer he died in 1964 and wrote over 100 books.

He writes, and I quote:

“…I do not read for I have renounced life,
I read because one life is just not enough for me…”

I think that it is a wonderful quote. Only one sentence long. But with such great meaning behind it.

Humans are a curious species.
We learn and grow, we record things for future generations, create stories of other, wonderful worlds and are always evolving.

Or at least we used to be…

What has happened to this generation? I have met so many people who, if you ask what they like to read will answer with a horrific sentence:

“… I don’t read, unless you’re counting magazines…”

This has been bothering me for a long time.
I hate how superficial the whole world as become, we’re all about selfies, twerking, clubs and getting drunk, there is more drama than learning in our lives, and I’m talking about teenagers from the 13 years old and going up.

Honestly it’s a pity how little of our generation enjoys picking up a book and being transported to that imaginary world. It is a real pity that we are starting to lack imagination…