Choices

I have spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be if I made different choices.

Would I have had a better education if I endured the pain and continued going to school diligently even if my body and mind felt like they were broken?
Would I have been loved more so if I lost weight?
Did I spend too much of my time reading fiction instead of going out?Did I watch too much Anime instead of Gossip girl? Is that why people didn’t like me?
Should I have stayed silent when they talked about other people?
Should I have kept quiet about the attack that happened?

Am I just someone who will never be able to fit in no matter what?

Truth is. Yes. I will never be able to fit in with the whole crowd.
No one can.

I should have never started to wonder what my life would have been like If I hadn’t watched anime, or read fiction, I should never have started to worry about telling people what I think because its just not me, and if the choices that I had made were different, I would not be me, I would have become and empty shell of a human being and that is not what I am now.

For a very long time I had struggled with the world and peoples views, I didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t be accepted as they were, why all these rules of Hot or Not existed, but now I understand.}

It is not in my power to change these things in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I have to endure the words of others who don’t see me as I am.

This world is a scary and beautiful place and there will always be a place for me, I have found people that I care about and that care about me, we understand each other without having to put everything into words and accept each other with all of the flaws and gifts that we possess….

And in the end of the day I have a place where I am accepted and that is called home. So, I am me, the choices I had made, did make my life a little more difficult but they also helped me shape and mold my own mind, they helped me see the world at its darkest and brightest and so I even if I had a chance to relive my life I would have made the exact same choices for no one can define me.

Darkest Hollows

I find this song so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. I found it a little while ago and then learned the story behind it.

This song was written for the daughter that Steven Curtis Chapman lost in a tragic accident.

Knowing this the tugs on my heartstrings are even harder.
I was raised by a single mother and my father never bothered to come see me, call me, or even send me a birthday card.

I know that my mom was the one who left him but for most of my life I hated the man, I felt abandoned and like half of me was missing.

I am the kind of person that doesn’t show their pain outright, I write it all down. So whenever someone asked me ‘..and your dad?’ I would just laugh it off and say ‘doesn’t matter I have the best mom’ and part of that is true, my mother is a wonderful person and even when we argue we always make up.

But, I hated him. In my life I saw him three times and those were accidental..
I always wanted a father who would be there for me, who would teach me how to ride my bike or drive, who would help my mother, but no I have no one.

And although I write all of this, recently it came to my attention that, the hollowness that makes me incomplete in my chest is starting to hurt more. I hate that part of me that wishes he had raised and cared for me. I am a strong independent woman and wish I could just forget about him.

Truth is, if something happened to him, this man that is a virtual stranger to me…I would hurt even worse inside. Because no matter what I say or write he is my father and even though my hole being tries to deny it, a part of me loves him…

Family

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Lilo & Stitch has been my favorite Disney movie ever since I watched it back in 2002.
This movie has thought me a lot, and by that I mean ‘family values’

Stitch was created for only one reason, and that is to destroy, his purpose was chaos, and honestly that’s what babies are like in my eyes, they don’t know any better, everything they touch, they break, spill and trample over.

He is sentenced to imprisonment, but manages to escape and lands himself on earth.
He is then adopted as a dog by Nani & Lilo, two sisters who don’t yet know how to get along with their parents out of the picture, I mean Nani the eldest has just suddenly been placed in the role of ‘adult’ ‘mother’ ‘carer’ to her younger sister who is such a free spirit.
Nani doesn’t know how to deal with her responsibilities but she is trying to hard for her sister, she loves her more than anything, and sure the two fight, and have different opinions, but, so do all sisters.

Lilo, all she wants is someone to love her like her parents did, a friend who wouldn’t leave her, she wants to be herself and she doesn’t want things to change in her life, so when she adopts stitch she finds that friend.

Through out the movie, we watch the struggle stitch faces to be better, he watches the relationship between Lilo & her sister and can’t help but wish for someone like that.

When he fails, and the sisters lose hope in him, he tries his best because he has fallen so deeply in love with this family that it makes all that chaos within him seem like nothing, he wants to save his best friend and does so.

He then willingly gives himself up so that his ‘family’ can be safe and together, he loves them and honestly, this makes me realized something.

No Family in this world is perfect, we fight, and hurt each others feelings even when we don’t mean to. We disappoint the ones we love the most and then, we try to atone for what we have done. Family has to love you for who you are, with your flaws and past.

The people who don’t accept you, even if they are blood related shouldn’t be considered your ‘true family’  because you don’t have to be ‘blood related’ to someone to love them unconditionally.

fdfI’m Selfish, sometimes cruel. I don’t do what I’m told, I’ve got a loud spirit and I want my voice to be heard, and that makes it really hard for me to communicate with most family members, they don’t understand me, want to change me, and most of all they make me sad, but I do love them, they will always have a piece of my heart, but they will not be considered my ‘true family’ because that spot in my heart is reserved for someone else.