Choices

I have spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be if I made different choices.

Would I have had a better education if I endured the pain and continued going to school diligently even if my body and mind felt like they were broken?
Would I have been loved more so if I lost weight?
Did I spend too much of my time reading fiction instead of going out?Did I watch too much Anime instead of Gossip girl? Is that why people didn’t like me?
Should I have stayed silent when they talked about other people?
Should I have kept quiet about the attack that happened?

Am I just someone who will never be able to fit in no matter what?

Truth is. Yes. I will never be able to fit in with the whole crowd.
No one can.

I should have never started to wonder what my life would have been like If I hadn’t watched anime, or read fiction, I should never have started to worry about telling people what I think because its just not me, and if the choices that I had made were different, I would not be me, I would have become and empty shell of a human being and that is not what I am now.

For a very long time I had struggled with the world and peoples views, I didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t be accepted as they were, why all these rules of Hot or Not existed, but now I understand.}

It is not in my power to change these things in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I have to endure the words of others who don’t see me as I am.

This world is a scary and beautiful place and there will always be a place for me, I have found people that I care about and that care about me, we understand each other without having to put everything into words and accept each other with all of the flaws and gifts that we possess….

And in the end of the day I have a place where I am accepted and that is called home. So, I am me, the choices I had made, did make my life a little more difficult but they also helped me shape and mold my own mind, they helped me see the world at its darkest and brightest and so I even if I had a chance to relive my life I would have made the exact same choices for no one can define me.

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Life Lessons…?

Friendships are hard. (At least for me they are.)
I have never been the person who was able to trust easily and so, when I find people who I trust I consider them friends, they are few and far in between and when time comes it is extremely hard for me to let go.

I am at this point in my life where things have been spiraling out of control for a long time and I have felt the pressure.

Four years ago I moved from the City that I had gone to school and college into a town where some of my family lives because of my moms health problems.

I left my best friends, who I trusted more than anything, they were only two people but I loved and still do love them very much. The girls were both there for me when I needed it and I was there for them. We would talk, and if that didn’t help we would have sleepovers and just in general never allowed ourselves to feel alone.

They helped me through depression, they helped me through my awkward phase (although I don’t think I grew out of it just yet) and when my mother was so extremely ill that she couldn’t get out of bed

I miss them greatly.

Having moved into the small town my life changed drastically. I had/have no friends that I actually ‘trust’ here.  It’s not because I haven’t tried to find any, no it is because the ‘friends’ I have here all want me to support them and their issues but they never help me.

In the last four years I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have lost a boyfriend to lung cancer, I have suffered through a traumatizing event. I didn’t want to talk to them about all of this, but, does that mean that a real friend can just say ‘I’ll be here if you need to talk’ and then walk away, leaving you alone in that darkness. I don’t expect a lot from people but I have learned that the only thing I can depend on is God.

I am lucky for my life is starting to slowly change for the better. even though I don’t yet have people to depend on, I do have myself and faith that soon, I will be happy.