2015

My first post in 2015, I thought I had to write something spectacular, something different to show that I evolved at least a little since the last months of 2014, but truth is, I am still the same.
the good thing that the end of the year has brought was a little dulling of the pain I felt since April 2014, a little sunshine in corners of my mind that had been covered in the darkness of events  I had no control over.

I will make 2015 a brighter year, it will fill my mind with so much light that the pain will have no other choice but to leave my soul and let me rise above.

That is a promise I make for the upcoming year.

A few changes have happened since December. I have not technically broken my promise to write more in my blog since I have moved into a new place and have only been connected to the internet.

I hope to keep writing at least once a week now that I am on a stable path.

Well to all the people who follow me, Thank you and Happy Belated New Year!

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Life Lessons…?

Friendships are hard. (At least for me they are.)
I have never been the person who was able to trust easily and so, when I find people who I trust I consider them friends, they are few and far in between and when time comes it is extremely hard for me to let go.

I am at this point in my life where things have been spiraling out of control for a long time and I have felt the pressure.

Four years ago I moved from the City that I had gone to school and college into a town where some of my family lives because of my moms health problems.

I left my best friends, who I trusted more than anything, they were only two people but I loved and still do love them very much. The girls were both there for me when I needed it and I was there for them. We would talk, and if that didn’t help we would have sleepovers and just in general never allowed ourselves to feel alone.

They helped me through depression, they helped me through my awkward phase (although I don’t think I grew out of it just yet) and when my mother was so extremely ill that she couldn’t get out of bed

I miss them greatly.

Having moved into the small town my life changed drastically. I had/have no friends that I actually ‘trust’ here.¬† It’s not because I haven’t tried to find any, no it is because the ‘friends’ I have here all want me to support them and their issues but they never help me.

In the last four years I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have lost a boyfriend to lung cancer, I have suffered through a traumatizing event. I didn’t want to talk to them about all of this, but, does that mean that a real friend can just say ‘I’ll be here if you need to talk’ and then walk away, leaving you alone in that darkness. I don’t expect a lot from people but I have learned that the only thing I can depend on is God.

I am lucky for my life is starting to slowly change for the better. even though I don’t yet have people to depend on, I do have myself and faith that soon, I will be happy.