What am I?

I’m broken, weak, in pain and yet it is over such a small thing…In the last two days I have heard the words;

Stop crying, there are people who have it so much worse than you.

Yes, I have never said that my problems were bigger than some other persons, and even though some are suffering a lot more than I am that does not mean that I have to grin and bear it. I want to cry, scream and fall into depression (Okay…I don’t want to fall into depression…Its uncontrollable…)
To others what happened seems like nothing big, the world is a dark and beautiful place and things will get better.. It’s really easy to say;

You will find something else…

But what if I wanted this? What if for the first time in a long time I thought about something and I was excited? What if this was going to lead me to my future?

I have spent two years searching for a job…ANY JOB.

I haven’t really been excited with the prospects, but hell, I want to work…

….Except no one hires me. I don’t know why, I’m a nice and very capable person, but no one is willing to give me a chance…So I have decided that maybe an apprenticeship is the way to go…
I found the perfect one, Planning Projects & Events at a theater, something that I have always been passionate about, I got excited and that became even more so with the interview that followed my application.
The girls that interviewed me were all so sweet and great, I felt like I could really belong in this group…

But, last night I got an e-mail saying that although they liked me, I didn’t get the position.

Reading that e-mail that looked so much like the pile of rejection letters from all of the jobs I had applied for shattered me.

I read it and for the first five minutes remained still in front of the laptop screen, staring at the ‘kind’ words of rejection….I didn’t feel any strong emotions, until the bitter laugh escaped my lips, I laughed and laughed and laughed..
Tears soon followed…
Why? Because I had really wanted this, I had put all of my hope, hard work and preparation into this opportunity and all I got from it was another heart break.

Of course I will keep applying for everything I can, but I have lost hope, why would anyone hire me after so many people didn’t give me a chance?

I wish that our world was more like the tv shows we watch, a person doesn’t get a job but then they demand why and explain just how good they can be for the company and bam, the people change their minds…Well of course its not that easy here…

I don’t know how long my heart is going to hurt over another shattered dream, I don’t know how long I can actually keep going on smiling at the world…

All I want to do is lock myself in my room and keep my soul safe from the frost of this earth….

But of course…I can’t do that…All I can do is keep going no matter how much it hurts and no matter how many times my family makes me feel like complete dirt because I don’t have a job or a husband…

Why am I even here? What is the point of my existence? I don’t matter…I’m  not….

I’m not smart enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not thin enough.
I’m not beautiful enough.
I’m not sweet enough.
I’m not strong enough.

What am I?

Mistakes

I’m going to say it….
We all know that humans make ‘bad’ decisions.
There is no one alive who hasn’t done it.
So, why do you judge people so harshly?
Especially when they are your friends and family.
You’ve done something yourself.

But then again;
It’s so much easier to see another persons faults.

I loathe people who look at a someone, not knowing anything about them, their lives, situations, mental state and just open their mouths because they want to make themselves feel better…

Why are there human beings who thrive when others are miserable because of them?
One could argue that it is due to their own complexes, their flaws. They are miserable and so they want others to feel the same.

But again…I have to ask why?

The way I judge and see people who have made bad decisions:

You have made a mistake, as your friend and fellow human being I will tell you so. Then, I will sit and listen while you cry and moan about it. Why? Because I am your friend and I care. No matter how bad your mistake is I am not going to leave…I will always forgive you.

Even after saying this, it does not mean I will let someone walk all over me, oh no if someone tries to wipe their feet as if I’m a doormat I will turn around and without a second of a doubt walk away.

There is a big difference between someone who is using you and someone who has made a mistake and is sorry.

I have made plenty of mistakes, and I’ve been judged by so many people, who for a long period had me under their control. I didn’t know how to cope. I was sorry, in pain and ashamed of my own flaws.

Then, I realized.

They have NO right to judge me, and I shouldn’t feel bad because of them.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

You know what? she was right.
I have learned to love myself and no one can hurt me. Not even the people who want to the most.

I would also like you all to just remember.

Don’t judge. Be there for the people around you, even if you don’t know it,  you could be, that one link in their chain, that doesn’t break and keeps them from falling apart, and making that final mistake.