Darkest Hollows

I find this song so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. I found it a little while ago and then learned the story behind it.

This song was written for the daughter that Steven Curtis Chapman lost in a tragic accident.

Knowing this the tugs on my heartstrings are even harder.
I was raised by a single mother and my father never bothered to come see me, call me, or even send me a birthday card.

I know that my mom was the one who left him but for most of my life I hated the man, I felt abandoned and like half of me was missing.

I am the kind of person that doesn’t show their pain outright, I write it all down. So whenever someone asked me ‘..and your dad?’ I would just laugh it off and say ‘doesn’t matter I have the best mom’ and part of that is true, my mother is a wonderful person and even when we argue we always make up.

But, I hated him. In my life I saw him three times and those were accidental..
I always wanted a father who would be there for me, who would teach me how to ride my bike or drive, who would help my mother, but no I have no one.

And although I write all of this, recently it came to my attention that, the hollowness that makes me incomplete in my chest is starting to hurt more. I hate that part of me that wishes he had raised and cared for me. I am a strong independent woman and wish I could just forget about him.

Truth is, if something happened to him, this man that is a virtual stranger to me…I would hurt even worse inside. Because no matter what I say or write he is my father and even though my hole being tries to deny it, a part of me loves him…

Life Lessons…?

Friendships are hard. (At least for me they are.)
I have never been the person who was able to trust easily and so, when I find people who I trust I consider them friends, they are few and far in between and when time comes it is extremely hard for me to let go.

I am at this point in my life where things have been spiraling out of control for a long time and I have felt the pressure.

Four years ago I moved from the City that I had gone to school and college into a town where some of my family lives because of my moms health problems.

I left my best friends, who I trusted more than anything, they were only two people but I loved and still do love them very much. The girls were both there for me when I needed it and I was there for them. We would talk, and if that didn’t help we would have sleepovers and just in general never allowed ourselves to feel alone.

They helped me through depression, they helped me through my awkward phase (although I don’t think I grew out of it just yet) and when my mother was so extremely ill that she couldn’t get out of bed

I miss them greatly.

Having moved into the small town my life changed drastically. I had/have no friends that I actually ‘trust’ here.  It’s not because I haven’t tried to find any, no it is because the ‘friends’ I have here all want me to support them and their issues but they never help me.

In the last four years I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have lost a boyfriend to lung cancer, I have suffered through a traumatizing event. I didn’t want to talk to them about all of this, but, does that mean that a real friend can just say ‘I’ll be here if you need to talk’ and then walk away, leaving you alone in that darkness. I don’t expect a lot from people but I have learned that the only thing I can depend on is God.

I am lucky for my life is starting to slowly change for the better. even though I don’t yet have people to depend on, I do have myself and faith that soon, I will be happy.