What am I?

I’m broken, weak, in pain and yet it is over such a small thing…In the last two days I have heard the words;

Stop crying, there are people who have it so much worse than you.

Yes, I have never said that my problems were bigger than some other persons, and even though some are suffering a lot more than I am that does not mean that I have to grin and bear it. I want to cry, scream and fall into depression (Okay…I don’t want to fall into depression…Its uncontrollable…)
To others what happened seems like nothing big, the world is a dark and beautiful place and things will get better.. It’s really easy to say;

You will find something else…

But what if I wanted this? What if for the first time in a long time I thought about something and I was excited? What if this was going to lead me to my future?

I have spent two years searching for a job…ANY JOB.

I haven’t really been excited with the prospects, but hell, I want to work…

….Except no one hires me. I don’t know why, I’m a nice and very capable person, but no one is willing to give me a chance…So I have decided that maybe an apprenticeship is the way to go…
I found the perfect one, Planning Projects & Events at a theater, something that I have always been passionate about, I got excited and that became even more so with the interview that followed my application.
The girls that interviewed me were all so sweet and great, I felt like I could really belong in this group…

But, last night I got an e-mail saying that although they liked me, I didn’t get the position.

Reading that e-mail that looked so much like the pile of rejection letters from all of the jobs I had applied for shattered me.

I read it and for the first five minutes remained still in front of the laptop screen, staring at the ‘kind’ words of rejection….I didn’t feel any strong emotions, until the bitter laugh escaped my lips, I laughed and laughed and laughed..
Tears soon followed…
Why? Because I had really wanted this, I had put all of my hope, hard work and preparation into this opportunity and all I got from it was another heart break.

Of course I will keep applying for everything I can, but I have lost hope, why would anyone hire me after so many people didn’t give me a chance?

I wish that our world was more like the tv shows we watch, a person doesn’t get a job but then they demand why and explain just how good they can be for the company and bam, the people change their minds…Well of course its not that easy here…

I don’t know how long my heart is going to hurt over another shattered dream, I don’t know how long I can actually keep going on smiling at the world…

All I want to do is lock myself in my room and keep my soul safe from the frost of this earth….

But of course…I can’t do that…All I can do is keep going no matter how much it hurts and no matter how many times my family makes me feel like complete dirt because I don’t have a job or a husband…

Why am I even here? What is the point of my existence? I don’t matter…I’m  not….

I’m not smart enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not thin enough.
I’m not beautiful enough.
I’m not sweet enough.
I’m not strong enough.

What am I?

Choices

I have spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be if I made different choices.

Would I have had a better education if I endured the pain and continued going to school diligently even if my body and mind felt like they were broken?
Would I have been loved more so if I lost weight?
Did I spend too much of my time reading fiction instead of going out?Did I watch too much Anime instead of Gossip girl? Is that why people didn’t like me?
Should I have stayed silent when they talked about other people?
Should I have kept quiet about the attack that happened?

Am I just someone who will never be able to fit in no matter what?

Truth is. Yes. I will never be able to fit in with the whole crowd.
No one can.

I should have never started to wonder what my life would have been like If I hadn’t watched anime, or read fiction, I should never have started to worry about telling people what I think because its just not me, and if the choices that I had made were different, I would not be me, I would have become and empty shell of a human being and that is not what I am now.

For a very long time I had struggled with the world and peoples views, I didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t be accepted as they were, why all these rules of Hot or Not existed, but now I understand.}

It is not in my power to change these things in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I have to endure the words of others who don’t see me as I am.

This world is a scary and beautiful place and there will always be a place for me, I have found people that I care about and that care about me, we understand each other without having to put everything into words and accept each other with all of the flaws and gifts that we possess….

And in the end of the day I have a place where I am accepted and that is called home. So, I am me, the choices I had made, did make my life a little more difficult but they also helped me shape and mold my own mind, they helped me see the world at its darkest and brightest and so I even if I had a chance to relive my life I would have made the exact same choices for no one can define me.

Darkest Hollows

I find this song so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. I found it a little while ago and then learned the story behind it.

This song was written for the daughter that Steven Curtis Chapman lost in a tragic accident.

Knowing this the tugs on my heartstrings are even harder.
I was raised by a single mother and my father never bothered to come see me, call me, or even send me a birthday card.

I know that my mom was the one who left him but for most of my life I hated the man, I felt abandoned and like half of me was missing.

I am the kind of person that doesn’t show their pain outright, I write it all down. So whenever someone asked me ‘..and your dad?’ I would just laugh it off and say ‘doesn’t matter I have the best mom’ and part of that is true, my mother is a wonderful person and even when we argue we always make up.

But, I hated him. In my life I saw him three times and those were accidental..
I always wanted a father who would be there for me, who would teach me how to ride my bike or drive, who would help my mother, but no I have no one.

And although I write all of this, recently it came to my attention that, the hollowness that makes me incomplete in my chest is starting to hurt more. I hate that part of me that wishes he had raised and cared for me. I am a strong independent woman and wish I could just forget about him.

Truth is, if something happened to him, this man that is a virtual stranger to me…I would hurt even worse inside. Because no matter what I say or write he is my father and even though my hole being tries to deny it, a part of me loves him…

Family

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Lilo & Stitch has been my favorite Disney movie ever since I watched it back in 2002.
This movie has thought me a lot, and by that I mean ‘family values’

Stitch was created for only one reason, and that is to destroy, his purpose was chaos, and honestly that’s what babies are like in my eyes, they don’t know any better, everything they touch, they break, spill and trample over.

He is sentenced to imprisonment, but manages to escape and lands himself on earth.
He is then adopted as a dog by Nani & Lilo, two sisters who don’t yet know how to get along with their parents out of the picture, I mean Nani the eldest has just suddenly been placed in the role of ‘adult’ ‘mother’ ‘carer’ to her younger sister who is such a free spirit.
Nani doesn’t know how to deal with her responsibilities but she is trying to hard for her sister, she loves her more than anything, and sure the two fight, and have different opinions, but, so do all sisters.

Lilo, all she wants is someone to love her like her parents did, a friend who wouldn’t leave her, she wants to be herself and she doesn’t want things to change in her life, so when she adopts stitch she finds that friend.

Through out the movie, we watch the struggle stitch faces to be better, he watches the relationship between Lilo & her sister and can’t help but wish for someone like that.

When he fails, and the sisters lose hope in him, he tries his best because he has fallen so deeply in love with this family that it makes all that chaos within him seem like nothing, he wants to save his best friend and does so.

He then willingly gives himself up so that his ‘family’ can be safe and together, he loves them and honestly, this makes me realized something.

No Family in this world is perfect, we fight, and hurt each others feelings even when we don’t mean to. We disappoint the ones we love the most and then, we try to atone for what we have done. Family has to love you for who you are, with your flaws and past.

The people who don’t accept you, even if they are blood related shouldn’t be considered your ‘true family’  because you don’t have to be ‘blood related’ to someone to love them unconditionally.

fdfI’m Selfish, sometimes cruel. I don’t do what I’m told, I’ve got a loud spirit and I want my voice to be heard, and that makes it really hard for me to communicate with most family members, they don’t understand me, want to change me, and most of all they make me sad, but I do love them, they will always have a piece of my heart, but they will not be considered my ‘true family’ because that spot in my heart is reserved for someone else.

 

Winter

met you once again in Winter,
But, the warmth you showed,
Reminded me of Summer.

My heart had frozen over, oh, so long ago,
I was happy to forget,
What love had meant to me,
What you had meant to me.

So why did you come back?
and once again allowed my wounds to open?

Did you remember, the first time we saw each other?
You had smiled oh, so, brightly.
Did you remember, those first words,
That made, my heart so tender?
Did you remember, how you broke me,
How Winter settled in my soul?

No, all you did remember,
Was how much you needed warmth,
How much you needed love,
How much you needed me.

When you came back,
I had already forgotten.
I had already let go of those blue eyes.
I had already given up the wait.
I wasn’t lonely.
Unlike You.

I wish You had taken my answer.
No.
I wish you had left again.
Before, I had fallen back in Love with you.
Before, I allowed the ice to melt.

…And Spring had brought us pain again,
Again, I lost you…

I will never forget the warmth,
You had brought back to me,
I will never forget that smile that was meant for my eyes only.

You had changed,
Evolved, but still,
The pain was visible in those  blue hues,
I loved you even more this time.
Even when I refused to show it.

You had hurt me once,
You had hurt me twice,But in your words so delicate, I knew
I had hurt you too.

Now you are gone,
And it’s too late for us.

But now I have to let you go,
Life still goes on for me.

Mistakes

I’m going to say it….
We all know that humans make ‘bad’ decisions.
There is no one alive who hasn’t done it.
So, why do you judge people so harshly?
Especially when they are your friends and family.
You’ve done something yourself.

But then again;
It’s so much easier to see another persons faults.

I loathe people who look at a someone, not knowing anything about them, their lives, situations, mental state and just open their mouths because they want to make themselves feel better…

Why are there human beings who thrive when others are miserable because of them?
One could argue that it is due to their own complexes, their flaws. They are miserable and so they want others to feel the same.

But again…I have to ask why?

The way I judge and see people who have made bad decisions:

You have made a mistake, as your friend and fellow human being I will tell you so. Then, I will sit and listen while you cry and moan about it. Why? Because I am your friend and I care. No matter how bad your mistake is I am not going to leave…I will always forgive you.

Even after saying this, it does not mean I will let someone walk all over me, oh no if someone tries to wipe their feet as if I’m a doormat I will turn around and without a second of a doubt walk away.

There is a big difference between someone who is using you and someone who has made a mistake and is sorry.

I have made plenty of mistakes, and I’ve been judged by so many people, who for a long period had me under their control. I didn’t know how to cope. I was sorry, in pain and ashamed of my own flaws.

Then, I realized.

They have NO right to judge me, and I shouldn’t feel bad because of them.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

You know what? she was right.
I have learned to love myself and no one can hurt me. Not even the people who want to the most.

I would also like you all to just remember.

Don’t judge. Be there for the people around you, even if you don’t know it,  you could be, that one link in their chain, that doesn’t break and keeps them from falling apart, and making that final mistake.

Embrace

I wrote this a while ago, this was my second attempt at poetry, I don’t think it worked out as I had planned but, oh well I have decided to be confident and share. I will post my third attempt tomorrow.

..And as I sat there on my bed,
Thinking ’bout the things they said.
My smile soft, yet pained within.

I only wish that one day soon,
They know their lies that hurt me deep,
Won’t make me lose a nights of sleep.

I will triumph over all,
The sorrow,
Pain,
And lies that follow.

I’m not alone ’cause I’ve got faith,
That God is with me through the pain.
I feel his love,
And none can take,
That loving embrace away from me.