What am I?

I’m broken, weak, in pain and yet it is over such a small thing…In the last two days I have heard the words;

Stop crying, there are people who have it so much worse than you.

Yes, I have never said that my problems were bigger than some other persons, and even though some are suffering a lot more than I am that does not mean that I have to grin and bear it. I want to cry, scream and fall into depression (Okay…I don’t want to fall into depression…Its uncontrollable…)
To others what happened seems like nothing big, the world is a dark and beautiful place and things will get better.. It’s really easy to say;

You will find something else…

But what if I wanted this? What if for the first time in a long time I thought about something and I was excited? What if this was going to lead me to my future?

I have spent two years searching for a job…ANY JOB.

I haven’t really been excited with the prospects, but hell, I want to work…

….Except no one hires me. I don’t know why, I’m a nice and very capable person, but no one is willing to give me a chance…So I have decided that maybe an apprenticeship is the way to go…
I found the perfect one, Planning Projects & Events at a theater, something that I have always been passionate about, I got excited and that became even more so with the interview that followed my application.
The girls that interviewed me were all so sweet and great, I felt like I could really belong in this group…

But, last night I got an e-mail saying that although they liked me, I didn’t get the position.

Reading that e-mail that looked so much like the pile of rejection letters from all of the jobs I had applied for shattered me.

I read it and for the first five minutes remained still in front of the laptop screen, staring at the ‘kind’ words of rejection….I didn’t feel any strong emotions, until the bitter laugh escaped my lips, I laughed and laughed and laughed..
Tears soon followed…
Why? Because I had really wanted this, I had put all of my hope, hard work and preparation into this opportunity and all I got from it was another heart break.

Of course I will keep applying for everything I can, but I have lost hope, why would anyone hire me after so many people didn’t give me a chance?

I wish that our world was more like the tv shows we watch, a person doesn’t get a job but then they demand why and explain just how good they can be for the company and bam, the people change their minds…Well of course its not that easy here…

I don’t know how long my heart is going to hurt over another shattered dream, I don’t know how long I can actually keep going on smiling at the world…

All I want to do is lock myself in my room and keep my soul safe from the frost of this earth….

But of course…I can’t do that…All I can do is keep going no matter how much it hurts and no matter how many times my family makes me feel like complete dirt because I don’t have a job or a husband…

Why am I even here? What is the point of my existence? I don’t matter…I’m  not….

I’m not smart enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not thin enough.
I’m not beautiful enough.
I’m not sweet enough.
I’m not strong enough.

What am I?

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Choices

I have spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be if I made different choices.

Would I have had a better education if I endured the pain and continued going to school diligently even if my body and mind felt like they were broken?
Would I have been loved more so if I lost weight?
Did I spend too much of my time reading fiction instead of going out?Did I watch too much Anime instead of Gossip girl? Is that why people didn’t like me?
Should I have stayed silent when they talked about other people?
Should I have kept quiet about the attack that happened?

Am I just someone who will never be able to fit in no matter what?

Truth is. Yes. I will never be able to fit in with the whole crowd.
No one can.

I should have never started to wonder what my life would have been like If I hadn’t watched anime, or read fiction, I should never have started to worry about telling people what I think because its just not me, and if the choices that I had made were different, I would not be me, I would have become and empty shell of a human being and that is not what I am now.

For a very long time I had struggled with the world and peoples views, I didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t be accepted as they were, why all these rules of Hot or Not existed, but now I understand.}

It is not in my power to change these things in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I have to endure the words of others who don’t see me as I am.

This world is a scary and beautiful place and there will always be a place for me, I have found people that I care about and that care about me, we understand each other without having to put everything into words and accept each other with all of the flaws and gifts that we possess….

And in the end of the day I have a place where I am accepted and that is called home. So, I am me, the choices I had made, did make my life a little more difficult but they also helped me shape and mold my own mind, they helped me see the world at its darkest and brightest and so I even if I had a chance to relive my life I would have made the exact same choices for no one can define me.

2015

My first post in 2015, I thought I had to write something spectacular, something different to show that I evolved at least a little since the last months of 2014, but truth is, I am still the same.
the good thing that the end of the year has brought was a little dulling of the pain I felt since April 2014, a little sunshine in corners of my mind that had been covered in the darkness of events  I had no control over.

I will make 2015 a brighter year, it will fill my mind with so much light that the pain will have no other choice but to leave my soul and let me rise above.

That is a promise I make for the upcoming year.

A few changes have happened since December. I have not technically broken my promise to write more in my blog since I have moved into a new place and have only been connected to the internet.

I hope to keep writing at least once a week now that I am on a stable path.

Well to all the people who follow me, Thank you and Happy Belated New Year!

Life Lessons…?

Friendships are hard. (At least for me they are.)
I have never been the person who was able to trust easily and so, when I find people who I trust I consider them friends, they are few and far in between and when time comes it is extremely hard for me to let go.

I am at this point in my life where things have been spiraling out of control for a long time and I have felt the pressure.

Four years ago I moved from the City that I had gone to school and college into a town where some of my family lives because of my moms health problems.

I left my best friends, who I trusted more than anything, they were only two people but I loved and still do love them very much. The girls were both there for me when I needed it and I was there for them. We would talk, and if that didn’t help we would have sleepovers and just in general never allowed ourselves to feel alone.

They helped me through depression, they helped me through my awkward phase (although I don’t think I grew out of it just yet) and when my mother was so extremely ill that she couldn’t get out of bed

I miss them greatly.

Having moved into the small town my life changed drastically. I had/have no friends that I actually ‘trust’ here.  It’s not because I haven’t tried to find any, no it is because the ‘friends’ I have here all want me to support them and their issues but they never help me.

In the last four years I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have lost a boyfriend to lung cancer, I have suffered through a traumatizing event. I didn’t want to talk to them about all of this, but, does that mean that a real friend can just say ‘I’ll be here if you need to talk’ and then walk away, leaving you alone in that darkness. I don’t expect a lot from people but I have learned that the only thing I can depend on is God.

I am lucky for my life is starting to slowly change for the better. even though I don’t yet have people to depend on, I do have myself and faith that soon, I will be happy.