What am I?

I’m broken, weak, in pain and yet it is over such a small thing…In the last two days I have heard the words;

Stop crying, there are people who have it so much worse than you.

Yes, I have never said that my problems were bigger than some other persons, and even though some are suffering a lot more than I am that does not mean that I have to grin and bear it. I want to cry, scream and fall into depression (Okay…I don’t want to fall into depression…Its uncontrollable…)
To others what happened seems like nothing big, the world is a dark and beautiful place and things will get better.. It’s really easy to say;

You will find something else…

But what if I wanted this? What if for the first time in a long time I thought about something and I was excited? What if this was going to lead me to my future?

I have spent two years searching for a job…ANY JOB.

I haven’t really been excited with the prospects, but hell, I want to work…

….Except no one hires me. I don’t know why, I’m a nice and very capable person, but no one is willing to give me a chance…So I have decided that maybe an apprenticeship is the way to go…
I found the perfect one, Planning Projects & Events at a theater, something that I have always been passionate about, I got excited and that became even more so with the interview that followed my application.
The girls that interviewed me were all so sweet and great, I felt like I could really belong in this group…

But, last night I got an e-mail saying that although they liked me, I didn’t get the position.

Reading that e-mail that looked so much like the pile of rejection letters from all of the jobs I had applied for shattered me.

I read it and for the first five minutes remained still in front of the laptop screen, staring at the ‘kind’ words of rejection….I didn’t feel any strong emotions, until the bitter laugh escaped my lips, I laughed and laughed and laughed..
Tears soon followed…
Why? Because I had really wanted this, I had put all of my hope, hard work and preparation into this opportunity and all I got from it was another heart break.

Of course I will keep applying for everything I can, but I have lost hope, why would anyone hire me after so many people didn’t give me a chance?

I wish that our world was more like the tv shows we watch, a person doesn’t get a job but then they demand why and explain just how good they can be for the company and bam, the people change their minds…Well of course its not that easy here…

I don’t know how long my heart is going to hurt over another shattered dream, I don’t know how long I can actually keep going on smiling at the world…

All I want to do is lock myself in my room and keep my soul safe from the frost of this earth….

But of course…I can’t do that…All I can do is keep going no matter how much it hurts and no matter how many times my family makes me feel like complete dirt because I don’t have a job or a husband…

Why am I even here? What is the point of my existence? I don’t matter…I’m  not….

I’m not smart enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not thin enough.
I’m not beautiful enough.
I’m not sweet enough.
I’m not strong enough.

What am I?

Embrace

I wrote this a while ago, this was my second attempt at poetry, I don’t think it worked out as I had planned but, oh well I have decided to be confident and share. I will post my third attempt tomorrow.

..And as I sat there on my bed,
Thinking ’bout the things they said.
My smile soft, yet pained within.

I only wish that one day soon,
They know their lies that hurt me deep,
Won’t make me lose a nights of sleep.

I will triumph over all,
The sorrow,
Pain,
And lies that follow.

I’m not alone ’cause I’ve got faith,
That God is with me through the pain.
I feel his love,
And none can take,
That loving embrace away from me.