Loved & Locked

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Choices

I have spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be if I made different choices.

Would I have had a better education if I endured the pain and continued going to school diligently even if my body and mind felt like they were broken?
Would I have been loved more so if I lost weight?
Did I spend too much of my time reading fiction instead of going out?Did I watch too much Anime instead of Gossip girl?¬†Is that why people didn’t like me?
Should I have stayed silent when they talked about other people?
Should I have kept quiet about the attack that happened?

Am I just someone who will never be able to fit in no matter what?

Truth is. Yes. I will never be able to fit in with the whole crowd.
No one can.

I should have never started to wonder what my life would have been like If I hadn’t watched anime, or read fiction, I should never have started to worry about telling people what I think because its just not me, and if the choices that I had made were different, I would not be me, I would have become and empty shell of a human being and that is not what I am now.

For a very long time I had struggled with the world and peoples views, I didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t be accepted as they were, why all these rules of Hot or Not existed, but now I understand.}

It is not in my power to change these things in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I have to endure the words of others who don’t see me as I am.

This world is a scary and beautiful place and there will always be a place for me, I have found people that I care about and that care about me, we understand each other without having to put everything into words and accept each other with all of the flaws and gifts that we possess….

And in the end of the day I have a place where I am accepted and that is called home. So, I am me, the choices I had made, did make my life a little more difficult but they also helped me shape and mold my own mind, they helped me see the world at its darkest and brightest and so I even if I had a chance to relive my life I would have made the exact same choices for no one can define me.

2015

My first post in 2015, I thought I had to write something spectacular, something different to show that I evolved at least a little since the last months of 2014, but truth is, I am still the same.
the good thing that the end of the year has brought was a little dulling of the pain I felt since April 2014, a little sunshine in corners of my mind that had been covered in the darkness of events  I had no control over.

I will make 2015 a brighter year, it will fill my mind with so much light that the pain will have no other choice but to leave my soul and let me rise above.

That is a promise I make for the upcoming year.

A few changes have happened since December. I have not technically broken my promise to write more in my blog since I have moved into a new place and have only been connected to the internet.

I hope to keep writing at least once a week now that I am on a stable path.

Well to all the people who follow me, Thank you and Happy Belated New Year!

Dreams

I can remember the first dream job that I had. I was five years old and wanted to be a doctor.
A year later I wanted to be a teacher, then a vet and….ect…ect

At thirteen I decided that no matter what I did at some point in my life I wanted to own a bookstore with a small cafe adjoining.
Red wood counters, soft lighting, red brick walls, big comfy chairs for patrons to come in and enjoy themselves, drink coffee, read and just relax…A place where people could come to and forget their troubles for just a moment…

I’m 22 now and that still remains my dream. I’m broke right now and have no fund to follow that dream since I am also just searching for a job. But I know that sometime in the future I will make it.

No matter what happens, where I end up, that dream of mine will come true.

Thinking about this has made me wonder, what are your dreams? What do you want to get out of your life?