What am I?

I’m broken, weak, in pain and yet it is over such a small thing…In the last two days I have heard the words;

Stop crying, there are people who have it so much worse than you.

Yes, I have never said that my problems were bigger than some other persons, and even though some are suffering a lot more than I am that does not mean that I have to grin and bear it. I want to cry, scream and fall into depression (Okay…I don’t want to fall into depression…Its uncontrollable…)
To others what happened seems like nothing big, the world is a dark and beautiful place and things will get better.. It’s really easy to say;

You will find something else…

But what if I wanted this? What if for the first time in a long time I thought about something and I was excited? What if this was going to lead me to my future?

I have spent two years searching for a job…ANY JOB.

I haven’t really been excited with the prospects, but hell, I want to work…

….Except no one hires me. I don’t know why, I’m a nice and very capable person, but no one is willing to give me a chance…So I have decided that maybe an apprenticeship is the way to go…
I found the perfect one, Planning Projects & Events at a theater, something that I have always been passionate about, I got excited and that became even more so with the interview that followed my application.
The girls that interviewed me were all so sweet and great, I felt like I could really belong in this group…

But, last night I got an e-mail saying that although they liked me, I didn’t get the position.

Reading that e-mail that looked so much like the pile of rejection letters from all of the jobs I had applied for shattered me.

I read it and for the first five minutes remained still in front of the laptop screen, staring at the ‘kind’ words of rejection….I didn’t feel any strong emotions, until the bitter laugh escaped my lips, I laughed and laughed and laughed..
Tears soon followed…
Why? Because I had really wanted this, I had put all of my hope, hard work and preparation into this opportunity and all I got from it was another heart break.

Of course I will keep applying for everything I can, but I have lost hope, why would anyone hire me after so many people didn’t give me a chance?

I wish that our world was more like the tv shows we watch, a person doesn’t get a job but then they demand why and explain just how good they can be for the company and bam, the people change their minds…Well of course its not that easy here…

I don’t know how long my heart is going to hurt over another shattered dream, I don’t know how long I can actually keep going on smiling at the world…

All I want to do is lock myself in my room and keep my soul safe from the frost of this earth….

But of course…I can’t do that…All I can do is keep going no matter how much it hurts and no matter how many times my family makes me feel like complete dirt because I don’t have a job or a husband…

Why am I even here? What is the point of my existence? I don’t matter…I’m  not….

I’m not smart enough.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not thin enough.
I’m not beautiful enough.
I’m not sweet enough.
I’m not strong enough.

What am I?

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Choices

I have spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be if I made different choices.

Would I have had a better education if I endured the pain and continued going to school diligently even if my body and mind felt like they were broken?
Would I have been loved more so if I lost weight?
Did I spend too much of my time reading fiction instead of going out?Did I watch too much Anime instead of Gossip girl? Is that why people didn’t like me?
Should I have stayed silent when they talked about other people?
Should I have kept quiet about the attack that happened?

Am I just someone who will never be able to fit in no matter what?

Truth is. Yes. I will never be able to fit in with the whole crowd.
No one can.

I should have never started to wonder what my life would have been like If I hadn’t watched anime, or read fiction, I should never have started to worry about telling people what I think because its just not me, and if the choices that I had made were different, I would not be me, I would have become and empty shell of a human being and that is not what I am now.

For a very long time I had struggled with the world and peoples views, I didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t be accepted as they were, why all these rules of Hot or Not existed, but now I understand.}

It is not in my power to change these things in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I have to endure the words of others who don’t see me as I am.

This world is a scary and beautiful place and there will always be a place for me, I have found people that I care about and that care about me, we understand each other without having to put everything into words and accept each other with all of the flaws and gifts that we possess….

And in the end of the day I have a place where I am accepted and that is called home. So, I am me, the choices I had made, did make my life a little more difficult but they also helped me shape and mold my own mind, they helped me see the world at its darkest and brightest and so I even if I had a chance to relive my life I would have made the exact same choices for no one can define me.

Writing

I have always wanted to be a writer, write a book or a series. Sadly I’m one of those people who tend to criticize themselves too much.
I write and re-write and then follow that cycle over again and then to push the pin in further I don’t show my work to other people.

I don’t understand why that is, but here are some options;

Fear of Failure? –  I doubt that since I failed quite a few times in my life and I’m still here.
Fear of Success? – Does that means people will be expecting more from me? shudders.
Fear of Commitment – Committing myself to such a task…Sounds hard but not impossible.
Fear of expectations – Well I think anyone can buckle under pressure..But..Am I?

Either way, these are all excuses that I am tired of making. I want to be a writer, be it write books, reviews, blogs or articles I want to do it.

I want to commit myself to writing.
I want to Succeed.
I want to exceed peoples expectations.

…But most of all…I want to stop procrastinating.

I might not be the greatest when it comes to grammar, but that’s alright after all English is my third language.

I might not be the best when it comes to endings, but I can work on that.

What I am good at is coming up stories, creating characters and falling in love with the different worlds in my mind…

Mistakes

I’m going to say it….
We all know that humans make ‘bad’ decisions.
There is no one alive who hasn’t done it.
So, why do you judge people so harshly?
Especially when they are your friends and family.
You’ve done something yourself.

But then again;
It’s so much easier to see another persons faults.

I loathe people who look at a someone, not knowing anything about them, their lives, situations, mental state and just open their mouths because they want to make themselves feel better…

Why are there human beings who thrive when others are miserable because of them?
One could argue that it is due to their own complexes, their flaws. They are miserable and so they want others to feel the same.

But again…I have to ask why?

The way I judge and see people who have made bad decisions:

You have made a mistake, as your friend and fellow human being I will tell you so. Then, I will sit and listen while you cry and moan about it. Why? Because I am your friend and I care. No matter how bad your mistake is I am not going to leave…I will always forgive you.

Even after saying this, it does not mean I will let someone walk all over me, oh no if someone tries to wipe their feet as if I’m a doormat I will turn around and without a second of a doubt walk away.

There is a big difference between someone who is using you and someone who has made a mistake and is sorry.

I have made plenty of mistakes, and I’ve been judged by so many people, who for a long period had me under their control. I didn’t know how to cope. I was sorry, in pain and ashamed of my own flaws.

Then, I realized.

They have NO right to judge me, and I shouldn’t feel bad because of them.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

You know what? she was right.
I have learned to love myself and no one can hurt me. Not even the people who want to the most.

I would also like you all to just remember.

Don’t judge. Be there for the people around you, even if you don’t know it,  you could be, that one link in their chain, that doesn’t break and keeps them from falling apart, and making that final mistake.

Generation of Books

I have had a few people, asking me why I spend my time reading books. As they said to me, and I shall paraphrase this:

‘they give you nothing, are boring and just a whole lot of a wasted time’ …at that point I had to turn away and calmly walk away from the person, why? well that is really simple, you can’t discuss or argue with someone who is illiterate. They simply won’t understand what you are trying to say and will irritate you with, their non-exsistant ‘Logic.’ I bring this topic up because it is close to my heart. Today I was reading an article on ‘modern young adults’  and I remembered a quote by ‘Abbas El Akkad’ who, was an Egyptian writer he died in 1964 and wrote over 100 books.

He writes, and I quote:

“…I do not read for I have renounced life,
I read because one life is just not enough for me…”

I think that it is a wonderful quote. Only one sentence long. But with such great meaning behind it.

Humans are a curious species.
We learn and grow, we record things for future generations, create stories of other, wonderful worlds and are always evolving.

Or at least we used to be…

What has happened to this generation? I have met so many people who, if you ask what they like to read will answer with a horrific sentence:

“… I don’t read, unless you’re counting magazines…”

This has been bothering me for a long time.
I hate how superficial the whole world as become, we’re all about selfies, twerking, clubs and getting drunk, there is more drama than learning in our lives, and I’m talking about teenagers from the 13 years old and going up.

Honestly it’s a pity how little of our generation enjoys picking up a book and being transported to that imaginary world. It is a real pity that we are starting to lack imagination…